If You Pop That Gum One More Time...

That's it - breaking point. My housemate is a twat.
This we already knew, but today The Neanderthal revealed himself to be the malicious, hate-mongering inbred halfwit that I have suspected all along. He picked a fight with me. In my right mind, I would have delivered some retort so razor sharp that his ego would have been sliced, diced, filleted and arranged artistically on a plate then served up to him with some kind of exotic sauce. Alas, today was not one of those days.
He went to buy cigarettes from the supermarket without any ID, and came home raving about the "idiot girl" who wouldn't give them to him, then gave us an account of how he yelled at and belittled her. Me, sitting on the floor with coloured pencils and sketch book looking as innocent and innocuous as a lamb in my little blue floral dress.. well, I piped up. "It's not her fault you know. The supermarket and the government make those policies, they have to ask everyone who looks under 30. You only had to walk a block to come back and get your ID anyway. Get over it." Big mistake. I ended up being yelled at by a 120kg, muscle-bound 6'5" man, who called me various expletives and stormed away. I seriously thought he was going to get physical for a second.. he was so riled that somebody actually talked back for once, his shoulders twitched a bit and his fists and jaw were clenched, but he just took a deep breath. When he came back with his cigarettes, he made a big point of ignoring me, yet talking about "little Miss Bitch" in front of me like I wasn't there. Everybody else in the house has, so far, put up with his loudness, rudeness, messiness, vileness, etc etc. But I fear that now it's war, and he has me firmly targetted as 'the enemy'.

It's not nice. I want to go home to my Mom's house now, but I have class tomorrow. I'll admit it - I'm a bit scared about the prospect of being alone in the house with him. He is the kind of man who could kill me with his bare hands if he wanted to - not suggesting that he will, but I barely know him and I have become the object of his ire. I have to get out of here.

Some alrightish things have happened today though. I've had a bit of a cooking day - I'm penniless until tomorrow, so I had to let the limited things in my cupboard and freezer inspire me. For lunch, I made some spinach, pecorino and pea risotto. It was actually rather nice, but alas.. I was sort of guessing measurements and I ended up with so little it was barely worth all the time and effort. For dinner, I cooked for Will and I (feeling charitable to the poor undomesticated male!) - I made a sort of thrown together fried rice with rather random ingredients in it.
My stint as a chef was not without drama though - as I was trying to sautee some onion and garlic, Will managed to drop an entire full bottle of Coke on the floor. On my feet. As I was cooking! He went scrambling for a mop, so I had to endure having my feet mopped by a gross, cold and possibly mouldy mop. As soon as the Coke was cleaned up, I ran off to rinse my feet in the shower.. but I left the heat on! The smoke alarm went off (I'm good at that) and it ended up being the tiniest bit burnt. Still edible, fortunately.

Suki isn't talking to me and I have no idea why. It hurts.

Nothing about me is working. My hair is .. well, manked. My skin is bad. My brain doesn't seem to be working properly. My boyfriend is being distant, in all sorts of ways. My friends are further away from me than ever. My bedroom is a cesspool of indifference. Almost nothing seems to be of joy at the moment, everything is grey. It is weird how things can flip so rapidly in just a matter of hours... after getting home last night, I pretty much retired to my room without doing much or talking to anyone. It was just too much - I had nothing left for anybody.

Sometimes I feel as though I only exist for other people. People call me things like "sparkly" and "vivacious", but those aren't really things that I can be by myself - I have to be sparkly or vivacious for other people. When they run away, what's left? An empty shell with the ability to be sparkly or vivacious, but nothing of substance? In Anne of Green Gables, Anne has an imaginary friend in a mirror who she talks to and calls a kindred spirit. Her name was Katie, I think. The bit that strikes me is that Katie is a reflection; one and the same person as Anne, and she can be a kindred spirit and a best friend. When I look in the mirror, I often see someone I detest or barely recognise. How could I want to be friends with this person, let alone consider them a kindred spirit? It makes me wonder why I do have any friends in the first place, then feel sorry for them for being landed with me.
How does one go about becoming friends with themself? In the past, I've always made an effort to change the girl in the mirror into someone I could admire. But it doesn't work. Lucien always accuses me of having a 'two steps forward, three steps back' approach to life - I'll achieve something, some little goal, then go back on my hard work by throwing my hands in the air and retreating at the first thing that cuts me down. My prospective imaginary friend (read - myself) is becoming less and less likeable every day, but it seems that becoming friends with her would be the only thing that could get her out of this horrible cycle. What an unfortunate situation.

I think too much.

YouTube of the Day: Actually I have two for you - one was recommended by Benjamin. The Blindfolded Pianist plays ALL of the Super Mario Bros themes. I love it!
This was recommended by Paul - Little Kids doing the Wassup thing. I'm not usually a big wrap for things featuring small children.. usually the only reason they are 'cute' is because they have small children in it, which doesn't really wash with me (don't like them). But this is kind of cool - "having a milk, watching the game".

So, I'll get back to the height of SAD - I took my old school edition The Merchant of Venice out of a box and started colouring in the black and white pictures with coloured pencils. It's ridiculous - Portia's all done up in a sea green gown, Bassanio is dressed in a similar colour scheme, and I'm trying to make Solanio and Salerio colour-coordinated. It really is sad. Not as sad as this is ironic though:

Bush Urges Nation To Be Quiet For A Minute While He Tries To Think