Casting Call

I was wandering around IMDB when the thought occurred to me - Who would play my housemates if they ever made a film about it? So here are the headshots and character biographies for each of them! Rose's House of Mirth - the motion picture! Keep in mind that my actual housemates aren't half as attractive as the people playing them.

Anya - A talented and bright young woman, achieving great things despite the many obstacles that befall her. Anya is a psychologist working with some of the city's more marginalised population as a drug and alcohol counsellor. She pairs her emotionally draining job with a rigorous martial arts training schedule. She has travelled all over the world for karate competitions, winning most of them. Despite her superwoman attitude, Anya is unfortunately plagued by health issues brought on by years of turning to rather radical means to keep her weight category down for karate competitions. She isn't there much.

Clark - His photo shows a rare light-hearted moment, as most things for Clark are doom and gloom. He has no qualms about inflicting his 'gothicness' on everybody and everything, dissing everything mainstream regardless of its actual value and often taking a 'gother-than-thou' attitude. Clark's hobbies are playing bad music on an unplugged electric guitar, painting his fingernails black on weekends and ranting about world religions he knows little about. His sense of humour seems directed entirely towards dissing 'emos', despite the fact that he in fact is one. His girlfriend Karin rules over him with an iron fist, and he is often seen running from one end of the house to the other as soon as she calls.

Karin - This photo was actually taken 12 months ago before the astonishing weight gain that now has Karin needing a size 16. Her appearance suggests that she works in the adult industry, and why yes, she does! Karin works in administration for a pornography company, often having trouble separating her occupational and personal life. She can be domineering and bossy, ordering her boyfriend Clark around and treating him like a combination between a servant and a small child. Despite her proportions, she fancies herself a dancer and often lectures Rose about proper technique (despite the fact that Rose is a dancer).

Raj - A serial polygamist from provincial India who somehow manages to juggle: a) a full-time job as a chef, b) a full-time IT degree, and c) at least three different girls who all think they are his one and only girlfriend. Raj is best known for antics such as putting a container of cream into his cupboard and finding it by smell, and leaving seafood mix in a colander on the bench. When he is not creating health hazards in the kitchen, Raj likes to talk loudly on his phone at 3am and sing along with Indian pop music. Another variation on the theme of 'loud', Raj also likes to keep Rose awake with the sounds of loud sex.

Will - The stereotypical country boy, and my favourite housemate. He owns more hair products than all the girls in the house put together and has a 30 minute beautification routine. Studying first year aeronautical engineering at RMIT, he moonlights as a dishwasher for the restaurant where Raj works. Will is famous for getting drunk, smashing a light bulb with his crotch and falling from the mezzanine in his first week living here. He has been unanimously voted the most sexually frustrated housemate by all living here, over his sad attempts to pick up 16 year old girls - "Hey, they're only 2 years younger than me!"

Steven - Often described as a "vulgar hobbit", Steven has more hair on his feet than the average armpit. Fond of sausages with mashed potatoes and gravy, he makes this dish approximately 4 or 5 times a week on average. Steven works in telecommunications when he is not completing his PhD, which is his third or fourth degree. One of his favourite pastimes, when he is not having violent relations with unattractive goth girls, is using big words - his current favourite is 'parsimonious'. Steven has shown a softer side in recent times, becoming an uncle for the first time to a beautiful baby girl. The stench of his feet could kill an elephant.

Toby - Only lives here a couple of nights a week, but is a welcome presence in the House of Mirth. Reportedly once stole a teaspoon from a $2 shop. He does approximately 5 loads of washing every week due to his rather physical job that makes him smelly (I don't know what it is, other than that it involves a ladder). Articulate, but has a bad habit of talking down to people younger than himself (namely me) as if they were stupid. Toby gives incredible massages and has put Anya and Rose to sleep several times with his magic fingers. Can sometimes be apathetic to the point of infuriating others around him, but definitely one of the better housemates.

And finally.. The Neanderthal - Unfortunately this picture is not a true representation of the true horror that lurks in Room 6. This creature is crass, rude and scarily interested in child pornography. Somehow he managed to get a blonde Swedish nymphette girlfriend, too bad she lives in Sweden - don't they have men over there? The most commonly used words in his vocabulary are expletives, save for "Eh, choice mate. It's f-cken choice, buddy" which is injected after every single sentence. He also listens to psuedo-rap r&b techno music which he feels the need to play on the DVD player every single day, loud enough to let everybody in Brunswick know what shoddy taste he has. I hate him - he's the reason why I need a meat cleaver. Right now.

After compiling the cast of character, it occurred to me.. who should play me? Here is my shortlist:
I think I'm leaning towards Scarlett Johansson - she'd have to go brunette though. Winona Ryder looks a bit too angsty, and Audrey Tautou is just too sassy and cool to play me.

Mm, so the film has been cast, but alas - we haven't got a real story yet. I wonder which studio is going to back me! Hahaha..