Reinvention

Something bad happened yesterday, seemingly a minor setback. My former-soon-to-be employer got rid of me, I'm not even sure why, after fucking two months of stringing me along and pushing back my start date.
I am feeling like a fool for believing that something would work out so easily for me, and absolutely humiliated that I could just be dropped for seemingly no reason.

The fact that I have to find a job all over again is merely annoying, along with the fact that I will be poor for another month. But the thing that makes me want to scream and kick things is that I seriously believed that my luck was changing and that things wouldn't be such a fight for once. Ever since I moved to Melbourne by myself, I have worked a string of horrible jobs with bosses who were verbally abusive, didn't pay me, made me work until 2am on a school night, et cetera. Myer was one saving grace, but sadly cut short due to changes in management. Actually being financially independent has been one of the biggest, stressiest things in my life for the last year and a half. I thought I was turning a corner. Alas, no.

Enough on that, one good thing about adversity is that it inspires one to work harder. And as Fawkes suggested, I could use this as impetus to reinvent myself.

This is the list of things I wrote last night:

I want to clean my room and make it a nice space where I can breathe and sleep and study and be happy.

I want to do my schoolwork well and efficiently so that it does not consume my time.

I want to find a job that I can work three or four days a week, something that is challenging and fun with a good culture, something that relates to things I want to do in the future.

I want to start contributing to Farrago, Broad Lit and some other publications.

I want to be thin, beautiful, with striking eyes, pale skin, red lips and masses of dark hair, the kind of beauty that can strike a man down in the street.

I want to dress like a goddess, a muse, an artist, a geisha, a feminist, a mermaid, a debutante or a dominatrix depending on my mood and not let myself be too scared.

I want to have time to paint and sculpt again and be recognized as a saleable artist.

I want to draw and bring out a range of greeting cards and stationary featuring my illustrations.

I want to model for a life drawing class and for photographers, and feel genuinely comfortable and proud of my naked body.

I want to be able to play Bruch's violin concertos, dance en pointe, get my Chinese and French language skills up to 'fluent' and buy a piano for my apartment.

I want to buy a kitten and take care of her.

I want to get a column on The Age online, get work experience with Frankie magazine, become a contributor to Salon.com and be recognised as a decent writer.

I want to be proud of myself and confident in my brilliance, and next time I face a bitch like Jane Angel telling me my worth, I will tell her in the most eloquent language I can exactly what I think of her and cut her to size.

Done. Unfortunately I can't do these things today.. my brain is not quite allowing me to be positive or action-oriented right now. It's a day for laying in bed, frowning, aching for action but not having the drive. My body feels like it is in the grip of a bad virus, there is no energy to go around and everything aches.

I need a day or two, then it will begin.