Did You Love Well What Very Soon You Left?

Did you love well what very soon you left,
Come home and take me in your arms and take
away this stomach ache, headache, heartache.
Never so full, I never was bereft
so utterly. The winter evenings drift
dark to the window. Not one word will make
you, where you are, turn in your day, or wake
from your night toward me. The only gift
I got to keep or give is what I've cried,
floodgates let down to mourning for the dead
chances, the end of being young,
for everyone I loved who really died.
I drank our one year out in brine instead
of honey from the seasons of your tongue.

- Marilyn Hacker, from Love, Death and the Changing of the Seasons

I like this sonnet. I'm trying to decide what my favourite from the book is, and this one is definitely shortlisted. Definitely read it - I wasn't such a fan of poetry before, but she has utterly captivated me.

Lucien came tonight. It wasn't quite the sunshine and rising crescendo of romantic music I had been hankering for, but lovely nonetheless. He's currently asleep in my bed, dreaming and keeping it warm for when I jump in beside him later. We went out for hippy vegetarian food and candlelight earlier and sat there staring at the table - I was headachey and he was dead tired after spending 5 hours on trains. Somehow with Lucien, the silences aren't bad or awkward.. he just holds my hand, kissing it every now and again, and we just relish being near each other. Time together is such a commodity.

I have to apologise for the last post.. just me feeling dangerous and fatalistic late at night.

There have been times in my life when friends have mattered enormously to me. In spring 2003 I spent about three or four months at home - it was that or going to hospital, and my doctor feared that the latter would send me over the edge. So there was no school, no going out except for occassional outings to the supermarket with my Mom, no 'overly stimulating' media. I basically spent the entire time lounging around on a hammock in my backyard, reading my little horoscope book, listening to Pink Floyd and drawing pictures.
But I received letters. Every single day, something new would arrive in the letterbox or get passed on via my sister. And not just letters, I got disks full of interesting photos, cds of music to make me better, envelopes full of notes that had been passed in class, colouring books and crayons from Tasi. As soon as I was sick, there was an outpouring of love and support from everybody I could imagine. Even teachers who had been yelling at me only a week before were suddenly sending me cards and even beautiful picture books to 'make me better'. Before I had often felt that I didn't have a friend in the world, but suddenly I was reminded of how blessed I was.

I think that recently I have been reminded once again of how important friends are. On Monday night, I had such absolute fun with Paul.. it was brilliant. I was like a kid, running around and doing random adventurous things for kicks and smiling like an idiot the whole time. Hell, I even snorted black pepper just to see what would happen. Things like that don't happen when you are by yourself. I'm finding more and more now that I don't want to eat unless it's with someone else, or get dressed in the morning unless it's for someone. I miss my friends from high school, but we're scattered at the moment.. and there is never enough time/money/availability/whatever for us to play together. I wish that they would, on a complete whim, decide to come adventuring with me like Paul did. Because that is the way friends should be.

"well I was watching donnie darko but I got bored and tried on all my dresses, got depressed and came upstairs to wallow in sadness" - Suki just said this to me on msn. I felt horrid.. and I wished I could just erase the distance between us, go over to her house with chocolate and hugs and finish watching Donnie with her. So I promised to go for noodles with her at the Nash on trivia night and just beat the pants off everybody. Both of us were unfortunate guinea pigs in the accelerated program at my school, so our heads are full of useless knowledge that is only really good for trivia. Should be fun.. maybe I should get drunk. Suki hasn't seen me drunk yet.

Keri Smith has been inspiring me today. Check her out - the link to her Wish Jar Journal is in the side bar.