Materialistic? Me? Never!

I went shopping yesterday, in a big way. It was magnificent, especially after a year and a half of doing no such thing. So, here is what I bought: a pair of cute indigo straight-leg jeans, a crayon pink swing cardigan, a creamy-beige trenchcoat with a cinched waist and full skirt, some pretty necklaces and bangles, an in-tray and an out-tray for my desk, some embroidered silk shoes and a shiny new clear umbrella alla Lost in Translation. Now I just have to buy the perfect boots and some new underwear then I'll be set. Until midyear sales...

But buying some new clothes from relatively mainstream brands comes with a problem. The last couple of years of my life my fashion sense has adhered to the 'starving artist' ideal - op-shops, vintage, hand-me-downs, and random handmade things. People have commented on my eclectic taste, but honestly I was just scraping clothes off my bedroom floor, then slapping them on along with a "I don't care what I look like" sign on my forehead.
Last night in my oh-so-cute cardigan, spiffy new jeans and a pair of gorgeous little red sparkly ballet slippers I bought last week, I felt like I was suddenly under intense scrutiny. Women do dress for other women, and with my warning label removed I was suddenly up for judgment - like a World of Warcraft character who flags themselves for player vs. player combat, I had a reasonable chance of being slain.
I guess having been out of the loop for such a long time, I am feeling a little clueless. I bought what I liked with little regard to popular fashion, and now I am wondering whether or not I have the confidence to pull it off.

I saw a man today wearing tight, white leather pants with orange swirls and an aqua canvas crotch. He also happened to look suspiciously like George Michael. But he didn't care what anybody thought and swanned around like he was gorgeous, and the charisma oozed. I'm wondering more and more how much of the way you look is based on your skin, your hair, your clothes, and how much is based on your innate style - how you 'work' it?

Right now I am supposed to be working feverishly on my Literature and Cinema essays, due on Monday, but I'm somewhat lacking in motivation. My Lit essay is practically writing itself, so I should be alright.
But woe is me - what a drag two/three impending due dates can have on a girl's weekend! Suki invited me over for a sleepover where we were going to make nachos and watch every episode of The Extra. It would have been brilliant. Perhaps the reason why I am now shirking my work a little is because I'm mad at it, for denying my fun.

Lucien visited me last night. He had a party with some of his law friends at the Belgian Beer Café and came home drunk on cherry flavoured beer. I was less than impressed and shunned him somewhat by going to sleep. In the morning I was surprised by a big bunch of white tulips - he snuck out in the morning before I woke up to go get them. It was so sweet, and unexpected.

Consequently, I was officially in a good mood, so we jetted off up Bridge Road to go hunting for some brunch. After walking past lots of beautiful, atmospheric restaurants and cafés, we settled on an incredibly cheap, tiny one with laminex tables and yellow plastic chairs. I was dubious, but we ended up having a lot of fun. Here is Lucien tucking into the greasefest he ordered - toast with fried eggs, bacon, sausage, mushroom and onion.

There isn't an accompanying photo of me though, but I was munching on sourdough toast topped with spinach, scrambled eggs, smoked salmon and hollandaise sauce... exactly what a girl needs on a Saturday morning! Note: he isn't actually fat or hunchbacked, he was just being silly - in the photo he is pulling a silly face as well.

Seeing as I am in the spirit of photos, here's one of me. Ignore the greasy hair - this was Christmas morning at 3am, and I had spent the previous 7 hours making ridiculous amounts of sushi and pork dumplings.

I love this photo because I was unaware, half asleep and genuinely smiling.. I guess it shows the real me more than any posed photo. Enough, bed time.

Dining Horror and the Politics of Christmas

Last night, Lucien and I went to see Casino Royale. I won't spoil anything here, except to say that it was fantastic. Daniel Craig was brilliant as Bond, and by the end of the opening titles I was already in raptures. Go see it, preferrably multiple times!

The film was great, but unfortunately it was preceeded by a pretty disappointing dining experience. We went to La Porchetta for some pizza and pasta before the movie, hoping it would be quick and cheap. It was both of those things, but was it too much to ask for some service? Maybe I'm just being catty, but it wasn't a very good experience. My blood orange granita didn't have a straw, which I let slide and simply ate it with a spoon. Then as our meals arrived, they didn't bother giving us any cutlery. Later as we asked for some ice water, they unceremoniously plonked a bottle on our table without even looking to see whether we had any glasses.
But the low point was my actual meal. Lucien ordered a pizza, but I chose pasta - gnocchi with a salmon, spring onion and capers in a cream and white wine reduction. I had it another time, and it was delicious - several biggish chunks of perfectly cooked salmon (i.e. just undercooked) in a delicate aromatic sauce, highlighted by the sharpness of the spring onions and capers and piquant little sparks of black pepper. The sauce wasn't overpowering, nor was there too much of it: it simply coated the pasta, and that was all - it was great.
The dish I was presented with last night was an entirely different story. The gnocchi was literally swimming in an orangey, oily cream sauce, surrounded by tiny little flakes of greyish overcooked salmon, maybe two or three little pieces of practically chargrilled spring onion, and there were a couple of capers thrown on top. I was amazed, and I actually said to the girl, "I'm sorry, I ordered the salmon gnocchi."
To this she replied, in a rather bratty manner, "Um, that's it."
I sort of looked at her incredulously, and she grabbed the plate and offered to check with her manager. I felt a little bad for complaining, but I felt even worse when she brought back the same plate and roughly put it on the table in front of me and said, "That's it.
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!! I was so annoyed at the service to begin with, but then they served me what looked like the scrapings from a hundred other plates heated up! I got angry, but for Lucien's sake and because we had a movie to see, I didn't argue the point. But that's the last they'll see of me.

In other news, it's Christmas tomorrow, though it's strangely getting less exciting and more stressful as I'm getting older. I have spent more money than I have on presents for everybody, and now I have to work a rather long and stressful shift on Boxing Day. I have been sick for the last week (viral tonilitis) so there has been little/no work, but from Christmas to New Year's Eve, I'll be flat out. Oh well, I'll make lots of money. And money equals pretty dresses, cocktails with friends, moving into a my own proper house, maybe going overseas somewhere next year. Oh, and the boring things like school books and student union fees. Mmm.

Lucien is having Christmas with the extended family at his house tomorrow. His little sister is bringing her boyfriend of about a month, so it finally occurred to Lucien that it might be an idea to invite his girlfriend of two years along. Unfortunately I can't go, but I don't think they'd like me anyway. In situations with strangers, it is very easy to 'trump' myself up.. and make myself appear bigger, better and brighter than I actually am. For example; I am not a shopgirl, I work for Myer Melbourne, and I'm not a first year Arts student at Melbourne Uni, I'm currently completing a Bachelor of Arts at the University of Melbourne, and I'm an aspiring actress, I already am an actress. Subtle word games and mental shifts. But for Lucien's family, even the exaggerations that are verging on being lies wouldn't cut it. They're incredibly.. well, not arrogant, but perhaps judgmental. Despite the fact that Lucien is absolutely smitten with me, I am simply not good enough for his family. Not that any of them are doing anything that I would really look up to or admire. But enough on that, Lucien might get annoyed if he reads this.

The rest of Christmas Eve, for me, will be spent rugged up. I'm not well and I'm afraid that I have been acting as if I'm perfectly well. It's catching up with me faster than the antibiotics can work, so I'm feeling quite bad. So the rest of the night will be spent in pajamas with my little pink slipper-socks, laying under a quilt and watching Christmas movies. Quite possibly eating chocolates as well. Hope you all have a similarly nice Christmas Eve, and a wonderful day tomorrow. Visit your families, eat food that you shouldn't, make merry and smile so much that your face hurts!

Lost in Chinatown

It was a nice evening. The kind that puts you into a happy daze where you wish blindly that things could stay as they were forever, despite the fact that you'd eventually get bored and they wouldn't seem so wonderful if you always had them. But it was nice, especially nice to spend pleasurable time with people who recently my relationships with have been so frought with disappointment. Namely, Dad and Lucien.

Scarlett doesn't count - she was there, but she's still a brat. Oh, in case you didn't realise.. she's his step-daughter, rather than his wife. His wife, Selena, has had to fly back to HK to finish up business before she transfers down to the Melbourne office.

Dad called me in the afternoon asking if I wanted to go to a lecture. Why not? Topic - peak oil consumption and how governments and individuals should respond. Not exactly my cup of tea, but I decided it was worth sitting through it to please my Dad. Lucien and I arrived late, sneaking in and taking seats apart from each other. Instead of dozing on his shoulder, I actually had to look interested which somehow transformed itself into actual interest.
One of the experts was asked a question on how rising fuel prices in response to the burgeoning oil shortage would affect industries that rely on it (i.e. aviation, product distribution, etc) in the long run, and was wondering what solutions might be in order. The answer ran somewhere along the lines of individuals having to pay extremely exorbitant prices for these 'luxuries' and going back to grassroots production; as in growing food in their back gardens and limiting travel dramatically.
Everybody was sort of nodding their heads in agreement, but I was secretly wondering how many of them actually realised how it would affect them. Would they be willing to give up their company cars and overseas vacations, or even down to smaller things like abstaining from any non-local fruit in their smoothies? I watched the Arts Centre glittering in the background and found myself thinking about how much longer an economy such as ours could really exist on such a rapidly disappearing resource, when everybody seemingly has the right attitude but nobody wants to make sacrifices.
I will be the first to admit that I don't want to make these sacrifices - I like travelling and drinking imported tea, as well as having the freedom to be able to buy things rather than have to grow them in my backyard. It's selfish when there are people who would feel as if all their Christmasses came at once if they could grow their own food, but this is the way I have become by conditioning. We don't appreciate how great our lives and our possibilities are - nor do will we admit how difficult it would be to give them up.
Too many thoughts.. to sum up, I dislike what capitalism does to huge groups of people, but I will recognise that it does some pretty nice things for me. I wish it could do these things for everybody, but if it did, then the system would cease to function. Therefore it is up to me, being in the advantaged group, to take care of and try to help the less advantaged!

Ok, enough of that strange serious deviation from the normal fluff of this journal. After the lecture, I was kind of quietly pondering as I was whisked along to Chinatown. I adore Chinatown, it reminds me of growing up in Taiwan. The smells of strange alleyways, the neon signs, the tanks full of fish staring grimly out at potential diners, the roaming gangs and occasional harajuku girls giggling on corners. It speaks to me, and I understand it. The four of us wandered into a restaurant called Kun Ming (I think) and proceeded to devour some truly awesome Cantonese food: sweet and sour pork, black bean beef, sauteed chicken in satay sauce and prawns with ginger and shallots. I chose the last dish, which was to die for - prawns cooked just enough to make them practically 'pop' juicily as you bite into them, complemented perfectly with the sharpness of the ginger and the subtle flavour of the shallots. We drank Jasmine tea and spoke to each other in broken Chinese for half the time.
The method of conversation got quite a few stares from the people at the table next to us. They weren't my favourite type of people - the man looked like the type who would visit Thailand simply to sample the women. His enormous belly bumped dangerously against the table each time he moved, and in the first five minutes of being there he managed to: a) speak very slowly to the English-speaking Maître d' as though he was a small child, b) glance none too subtly at my breasts on several occasions, and c) come up with the grossest mispronounciations of simple psuedo-Asian words (i.e. satay). The wife reminded me of a hen or a pigeon in her mannerisms and the way she spoke; sharp, inconsequential and fussy. They were clearly an absolute joy to be seated near.

We managed to enjoy ourselves despite the ogres - luckily they arrived just as we were finishing. As we were walking out, we stopped to take a gander at the poor fish awaiting their fate. My Dad pointed at the lobsters and said, "Look, they've made a little sign saying 'Try the fish!'"
My response: I peered into the tank with wide eyes, asking very serious, "Where?". It was a very 'self-inflicted slap to the forehead' moment.

It may seem like simply a nice night out, but there is one thing I deliberately left out - any kind of animosity between the members of our party. I left it out because there was none. In the past, my Dad has been rather vicious - I suppose it's part of coming to terms with the fact that his daughter is growing up. This has ranged from calling me a disappointment, to saying that my degree-in-progress won't be worth anything so I should give up now, to saying that I might as well just be a check-out chick forever because I won't amount to anything better. I think he's Bipolar sometimes. Seriously.
Lucien has also been a prime source of criticism lately. If I had relied on him for all of my self-esteem and my entire perception of myself... it wouldn't be good. I must take some pride in being a little more sturdy than usual.
But last night, they were both lovely.

We parted ways after that - Dad and Scarlett went back to their house Lucien and I wandering back home through arcades of Asian teens playing video games and munching on things on sticks. We walked silently, holding hands, and I felt as though I was walking alone. Not in a bad way, but in the type of way where you just take everything in and don't have share it with the person you are with. We just drifted receptively, I suppose.

Lovely, nice, great - such boring adjectives. But what else can you say? What other words really signifies that kind of contentedness? I imagine a kitten, dozing on a rug in front of a fire, sleepily batting a ball of yarn around - possibly the definition of this nice, lovely, great, contented feeling that seemed to permeate every aspect of that enchanted night.

If You Pop That Gum One More Time...

That's it - breaking point. My housemate is a twat.
This we already knew, but today The Neanderthal revealed himself to be the malicious, hate-mongering inbred halfwit that I have suspected all along. He picked a fight with me. In my right mind, I would have delivered some retort so razor sharp that his ego would have been sliced, diced, filleted and arranged artistically on a plate then served up to him with some kind of exotic sauce. Alas, today was not one of those days.
He went to buy cigarettes from the supermarket without any ID, and came home raving about the "idiot girl" who wouldn't give them to him, then gave us an account of how he yelled at and belittled her. Me, sitting on the floor with coloured pencils and sketch book looking as innocent and innocuous as a lamb in my little blue floral dress.. well, I piped up. "It's not her fault you know. The supermarket and the government make those policies, they have to ask everyone who looks under 30. You only had to walk a block to come back and get your ID anyway. Get over it." Big mistake. I ended up being yelled at by a 120kg, muscle-bound 6'5" man, who called me various expletives and stormed away. I seriously thought he was going to get physical for a second.. he was so riled that somebody actually talked back for once, his shoulders twitched a bit and his fists and jaw were clenched, but he just took a deep breath. When he came back with his cigarettes, he made a big point of ignoring me, yet talking about "little Miss Bitch" in front of me like I wasn't there. Everybody else in the house has, so far, put up with his loudness, rudeness, messiness, vileness, etc etc. But I fear that now it's war, and he has me firmly targetted as 'the enemy'.

It's not nice. I want to go home to my Mom's house now, but I have class tomorrow. I'll admit it - I'm a bit scared about the prospect of being alone in the house with him. He is the kind of man who could kill me with his bare hands if he wanted to - not suggesting that he will, but I barely know him and I have become the object of his ire. I have to get out of here.

Some alrightish things have happened today though. I've had a bit of a cooking day - I'm penniless until tomorrow, so I had to let the limited things in my cupboard and freezer inspire me. For lunch, I made some spinach, pecorino and pea risotto. It was actually rather nice, but alas.. I was sort of guessing measurements and I ended up with so little it was barely worth all the time and effort. For dinner, I cooked for Will and I (feeling charitable to the poor undomesticated male!) - I made a sort of thrown together fried rice with rather random ingredients in it.
My stint as a chef was not without drama though - as I was trying to sautee some onion and garlic, Will managed to drop an entire full bottle of Coke on the floor. On my feet. As I was cooking! He went scrambling for a mop, so I had to endure having my feet mopped by a gross, cold and possibly mouldy mop. As soon as the Coke was cleaned up, I ran off to rinse my feet in the shower.. but I left the heat on! The smoke alarm went off (I'm good at that) and it ended up being the tiniest bit burnt. Still edible, fortunately.

Suki isn't talking to me and I have no idea why. It hurts.

Nothing about me is working. My hair is .. well, manked. My skin is bad. My brain doesn't seem to be working properly. My boyfriend is being distant, in all sorts of ways. My friends are further away from me than ever. My bedroom is a cesspool of indifference. Almost nothing seems to be of joy at the moment, everything is grey. It is weird how things can flip so rapidly in just a matter of hours... after getting home last night, I pretty much retired to my room without doing much or talking to anyone. It was just too much - I had nothing left for anybody.

Sometimes I feel as though I only exist for other people. People call me things like "sparkly" and "vivacious", but those aren't really things that I can be by myself - I have to be sparkly or vivacious for other people. When they run away, what's left? An empty shell with the ability to be sparkly or vivacious, but nothing of substance? In Anne of Green Gables, Anne has an imaginary friend in a mirror who she talks to and calls a kindred spirit. Her name was Katie, I think. The bit that strikes me is that Katie is a reflection; one and the same person as Anne, and she can be a kindred spirit and a best friend. When I look in the mirror, I often see someone I detest or barely recognise. How could I want to be friends with this person, let alone consider them a kindred spirit? It makes me wonder why I do have any friends in the first place, then feel sorry for them for being landed with me.
How does one go about becoming friends with themself? In the past, I've always made an effort to change the girl in the mirror into someone I could admire. But it doesn't work. Lucien always accuses me of having a 'two steps forward, three steps back' approach to life - I'll achieve something, some little goal, then go back on my hard work by throwing my hands in the air and retreating at the first thing that cuts me down. My prospective imaginary friend (read - myself) is becoming less and less likeable every day, but it seems that becoming friends with her would be the only thing that could get her out of this horrible cycle. What an unfortunate situation.

I think too much.

YouTube of the Day: Actually I have two for you - one was recommended by Benjamin. The Blindfolded Pianist plays ALL of the Super Mario Bros themes. I love it!
This was recommended by Paul - Little Kids doing the Wassup thing. I'm not usually a big wrap for things featuring small children.. usually the only reason they are 'cute' is because they have small children in it, which doesn't really wash with me (don't like them). But this is kind of cool - "having a milk, watching the game".

So, I'll get back to the height of SAD - I took my old school edition The Merchant of Venice out of a box and started colouring in the black and white pictures with coloured pencils. It's ridiculous - Portia's all done up in a sea green gown, Bassanio is dressed in a similar colour scheme, and I'm trying to make Solanio and Salerio colour-coordinated. It really is sad. Not as sad as this is ironic though:

Bush Urges Nation To Be Quiet For A Minute While He Tries To Think

Heatwave!

I wish that I could post audio clips as the titles of my posts. My little 'Heatwave!' isn't just a word when sung by Martha and the Vandellas (right). The song actually has pretty.. well, boring lyrics, but the whole package is just deliciously Motown.

Today is rather hot, considering that it's still winter. It's 23 degrees Celcius outside, brilliant sunshine and windy. I was walking along the Yarra river near my Dad's house and the breeze was glorious. It was the kind of breeze that feels like it's kissing you all over.
People are sunbaking outside the State Library. Floaty skirts and sandals are suddenly appropriate. There is some kind of iron-stomach contest happening down on the Concrete Lawns at university.. everybody is standing around and laughing and cheering. I have a bird's eye view from the computing centre.
Last night on the news, meteorologists were talking about another El Nino pattern developing - despite having one a couple of years ago, it occurred 'out of phase' and this one will be bigger and badder than we've had in a while. Although that means warmer weather and probably getting sick less for me, it will also mean bushfires and drought. Mmmm.
When I was finishing primary school, Australia was in the middle of some of the worst droughts ever. I remember the water restrictions - pools and carwashes were out of operation, we were getting little spotfires in our garden because we couldn't water it, and the air constantly smelt like smoke from backburning meadows near my house. Scary.

I was at my Dad's house last night. Scarlett is still there, but her mother has gone back to Hong Kong for a while. We made fried rice and barbequed some honey soy chicken. Dad drank wine; Vivian and I found a strange bottle of soft drink called Diet Rozé. It was strange and all done up in fluorescent packaging, so we had to try it. The meal was so good.. really, I don't think anything compares to home-cooked, guily-pleasure food, especially homemade Chinese food.

Dad has chosen my birthday present. I haven't a clue what it is, other than that it isn't a digital camera or an iPod (damn). However, he gave me this clue - "It's something you've always wanted to do". My mind is flying towards all the possibilities, but the big thing that I have ALWAYS wanted to do seems just too left-field and extravagant even for my Dad. I have always wanted to go to Prague. In the depths of my 'illness', Dad promised me that once I got better he'd let me go to Prague on a holiday by myself. That was when I was 15, and although nobody considers me completely better, maybe now is the time he has in mind. But really.. sending your daughter to the other side of the world for her nineteenth birthday? It's incredibly extravagant, and I'm angry at myself for even thinking of it - because now when I get something else, no matter how incredible it is, it just won't compare to going to Prague.

Last night I was sleeping on the living room floor of my Dad's apartment when I noticed something creeping on the balcony. I crawled over, oh so subtly, and saw it was a possum. A cute pregnant female possum. She was sniffing around the barbeque for something to eat, so I put some bread and mandarin segments out for her. She didn't really trust me; she'd grab the food and then scurry back under the barbeque to eat it, but eventually she started staying out in the open. Then tragedy struck. I was cutting up an apple in the kitchen when I heard a commotion and some squealing sounds. I looked up just in time to see the possum and another possum chasing her away. Suddenly I felt terrible, like I had contributed to the possible injury of my darling possum by giving her food that would insight fighting. I put the apple out anyway, in case she came back later on and went to bed. Couldn't sleep though.

I am still worried about the possum. It's ridiculous, I went out onto the balcony this morning and the apple was still there. I looked around for any traces of blood or anything that would suggest the poor possum was injured - there was nothing. But something distracted me on my way back into the city - Krispy Kreme! There was a young Asian preppy couple sitting near me on the tram, carrying a big box of donuts and talking about the novelty of it all. I want some badly, but I really can't be bothered going all the way out to Fountain Gate to find them. At the moment, they only deliver in the Sydney area. When I was in the car with Benjamin and Lucien the other night, we actually decided that we should go get some at 11pm. Alas, we didn't - but I still want them! I think a store is opening up in Collins St soon enough, so I'll get them then. Or maybe I'll make someone who lives in the area get me some for my birthday! So silly..

Summer just does something to me. Makes me into a brighter, sparklier person for a few months before I descend into that sickly hell that is Winter. I know it's not here yet, but it feels a hell of a lot closer than it did a week ago.

Vampire Rose and the Champagne Bomb

This morning I was absolutely shocked as to what greeted me when I glanced upon the mirror. I looked like a vampire. My skin was very smooth and cold, but deathly white and you could see every tiny vein. My eyes were sunken, with great dark marks around them (natural, I discovered after I washed last night's mascara off). My lips were as white as my skin, and my cheeks looked like pale, cold stone. It was shocking.
I suppose that is what pulling an insane all-nighter including trips to the beach (4 degrees Celcius!), getting locked out of my room and sleeping on the mezzanine in the cold does to you.

7 hours later, there's still no colour in me. People have actually gasped when the looked at me - I seriously look dead. I feel like I'm teetering on the brink of passing out. Not necessarily sick, but exhausted.

My mother has demanded that I come home this weekend, and I'm glad. Home-cooked food, blankets, my favourite pajamas, central heating, my puppy, and best of all my Mom to look after me.

Ooh! I bought a chocolate from Myer today.. called a Champagne Bomb. It was the most incredible thing I have ever tasted and I can't believe how good it is. I'm still in raptures over how wonderful it was.. it was like milk chocolate with white chocolate drizzled over it, filled with champagne creme and a champagne flavoured liquer sauce. To die for... get them at the Nina's Chocolates counter at the Myer Food Hall. Warning - they are incredibly alcoholic and about $80 a kilo, so one is probably enough!